An end and a beginning

I have been torn between extreme happiness and extreme sadness over the past several days. I decided to take the job in Edgecombe County and enroll Annie in the Bulluck Elementary Child Development Center.

Last night I broke down and cried for a while, mourning the loss of my role as a stay-at-home mom. I know that it would be great to stay at home with Annie for the next four years until she goes to Kindergarten, but it just doesn't align with the other things our family needs. We need more money, not just want, need. We have scrimped and stretched and pinched every penny until there is nothing left. It's time for me to go to work and contribute to our household income once again.

This will be the very first time that our family will have two fulltime incomes. When we first got married I worked like 30 hours a week and Eric around 15. After I graduated in 12/07 I went to work full time at Workplace Options and Eric finished up his degree and did his student teaching. I worked at WPO until 8/21/07 when I was put on bedrest due to pregnancy complications.Eric started his job at Southwest Edgecombe County that same week. So, both of us working full time will be a new experience for us. We are looking forward to building our savings and having a little bit of spending money!!

Eric and I both chose professions that aren't ones that lead you to becoming a millionaire. We both chose what we had a passion for and for both of us that happened to be public service. We don't need much, we need a home, reliable transportation, health insurance, the ability to go forward with our dreams of higher education, and enough money to provide for our child(ren)...

So, as sad as I am about leaving Annie (and I know I'm going to be a hot, hot mess on Monday) I am excited about the future. Getting this job means that I will finally be able to use my degree and work on things about which I am very passionate. Plus, I'll finally have health insurance again and be able to get my blood pressure under control! Plus, this jobs means that in a few years I will be able to have another baby and stay home with him/her and Annie for another year. So, I'm not re-entering the workplace to stay there for ever, this is just a brief interuption in my career as a SAHM. I will return and then I will once again return the the workplace, a cycle that can be frustrating as a career woman and mother. But, I'm not going to let that get my down, as always I strive to do what is best for my family, including myself.

I am happy and sad and weepy and nervous, but just as with everything I believe that you can't be passionate about anything without feeling all extremes of emotions.

Big Decisions

I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad or what. Yesterday I went to a job interview with Edgecombe County Health Department at 2:00. A little before 4 I got a voice mail from the assistant health director telling me that they want to offer me the job!

I wasn't estatcially happy as I thought I might be because I was really upset over the thought of leaving Annie. Annie had been really upset while staying with a friend of ours, Amanda, while I went to the interview. I had the hardest time getting Annie calmed down when I got to her house. She finally fell asleep on the way home and took a nice long nap when we got home. Seeing her so upset just made me really doubt whether I can emotionally handle leaving her every day.

I should be calling the Health Dept back to talk to them about the money/hours/whatnot of the position, but I'm scared to death to do it. It would make it so real. I also need to figure out what I will do with Annie while I'm at work. Plus there is the fact that we still only have one car, so scheduling is an important thing to think about!!!

I'm stressed and scared and weepy and all I really want to do is cuddle my baby and tell her how much I love her.

The only thing that makes me want to take the job is that it is "the job". The position I have been looking for since I graduated college. The job that I said was the only one worth leaving Annie for. I mean I could have gone back to Workplace anytime I wanted, but it just didn't seem worth it.

Now, this job is exactly what I "*think* I want to do with my life. Plus, Eric, Annie and I would finally be a normal two income family! I can't even imagine what having extra money would be like!

So much to think about, but so little time. Cliche, but true.

Job Interviews and Pumpkins

So the past week or so of my life has revolved around job interviews!! I interviewed last Wednesday for a Health Educator position with the Nash County Health Department. The position is funded through Susan G Komen and would be such a great opportunity. I feel confident that I did my best at the interview, but I know that I don't have as much experience as many out there who are looking for jobs. I should hear back from them by the end of the week, cross your fingers. Tomorrow I have another interview, this time with the Edgecombe County Health Department. It's crazy that I've been looking for a health educator position for six months and finally two come up that are in the two closest counties. I'm a little nervous about the interview, but they only get easier the more you do. Hopefully after this one I won't have to go on any more for a while!!

We had a great Halloween. We were very busy and went to Trunk or Treat at church! I'm obssessed with making foods from fresh pumpkins and now they are on sale for $0.20 a lb, so I can't resist!! I made pumpkin cupcakes and pumpkin gnocchi today!

Motherhood...

is like the best thing ever. Never did I think that having Annie would so profoundly change me and my life. I know that everyone says that "baby changes everything". Everyone who has ever said that to me said it in a negative kind of way. Now I think that if you think that having a baby makes things change negatively, maybe you shouldn't have had a kid, but that's their own problem.

I recently read this hilarious article by McMamma, one of my all time favorite bloggers. I have to admit that I completely know where she is coming from with this, although I've only got the one kid so far, not 4 like her!!

Right after Eric and I got married, I started having this feeling that it was time for me to get pregnant and add to our family. I used to kid that my uterus was trying to overrule my brain, which obviously we see who won that round.... :)

The month before I found out I was pregnant I was tortured by pregnancy test commercials, random pregnant women at the mall, and my maternal and child health class!! Now, I'm feeling very similar feelings as friends have babies, family members announce pregnancies, and my little pookie poo gets more toddler-like and less baby-like every day.

Unfortuantly, now is not the time for us to add to our family for like a thousand reasons 1)I don't have health insurance, 2) we have no money in savings b/c I've been home with Annie for the past 14 months!, 3) Annie is still little and needs me a lot, 4) I'm in grad school and already stress like crazy!..... The reasons go on and on and on,

yet

it's hard to ignore that feeling that stirs in my soul when I see a pregnant woman or a baby

that warm fuzzy feeling that I could have that if I wanted.....

For now I will just enjoy having Annie and watching her grow...

and maybe, just maybe find a job :)

Wish List Wednesday

In an attempt to jump start my blogging, I'm going to copy a fellow mommy blogger with Wish List Wednesday.

I'm not really into any celebrities, so these are five things that I would love to have right this second!

1.  Unlimited supply of money

2. 2010 Buick Enclave (7 passenger)

3. Five bedroom house, with office, playroom, formal dining room, garage and a sun room.

4.  Part-time, well paying job as an health educator

5. Something simple because my feet are cold

I might just do another post today when Annie naps, but don't count on it :)

Annie playing with all of her birthday presents, in her tutu pajamas Granny bought for her!

September 9th

Annie's 1st Birthday!