An end and a beginning

I have been torn between extreme happiness and extreme sadness over the past several days. I decided to take the job in Edgecombe County and enroll Annie in the Bulluck Elementary Child Development Center.

Last night I broke down and cried for a while, mourning the loss of my role as a stay-at-home mom. I know that it would be great to stay at home with Annie for the next four years until she goes to Kindergarten, but it just doesn't align with the other things our family needs. We need more money, not just want, need. We have scrimped and stretched and pinched every penny until there is nothing left. It's time for me to go to work and contribute to our household income once again.

This will be the very first time that our family will have two fulltime incomes. When we first got married I worked like 30 hours a week and Eric around 15. After I graduated in 12/07 I went to work full time at Workplace Options and Eric finished up his degree and did his student teaching. I worked at WPO until 8/21/07 when I was put on bedrest due to pregnancy complications.Eric started his job at Southwest Edgecombe County that same week. So, both of us working full time will be a new experience for us. We are looking forward to building our savings and having a little bit of spending money!!

Eric and I both chose professions that aren't ones that lead you to becoming a millionaire. We both chose what we had a passion for and for both of us that happened to be public service. We don't need much, we need a home, reliable transportation, health insurance, the ability to go forward with our dreams of higher education, and enough money to provide for our child(ren)...

So, as sad as I am about leaving Annie (and I know I'm going to be a hot, hot mess on Monday) I am excited about the future. Getting this job means that I will finally be able to use my degree and work on things about which I am very passionate. Plus, I'll finally have health insurance again and be able to get my blood pressure under control! Plus, this jobs means that in a few years I will be able to have another baby and stay home with him/her and Annie for another year. So, I'm not re-entering the workplace to stay there for ever, this is just a brief interuption in my career as a SAHM. I will return and then I will once again return the the workplace, a cycle that can be frustrating as a career woman and mother. But, I'm not going to let that get my down, as always I strive to do what is best for my family, including myself.

I am happy and sad and weepy and nervous, but just as with everything I believe that you can't be passionate about anything without feeling all extremes of emotions.

Big Decisions

I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad or what. Yesterday I went to a job interview with Edgecombe County Health Department at 2:00. A little before 4 I got a voice mail from the assistant health director telling me that they want to offer me the job!

I wasn't estatcially happy as I thought I might be because I was really upset over the thought of leaving Annie. Annie had been really upset while staying with a friend of ours, Amanda, while I went to the interview. I had the hardest time getting Annie calmed down when I got to her house. She finally fell asleep on the way home and took a nice long nap when we got home. Seeing her so upset just made me really doubt whether I can emotionally handle leaving her every day.

I should be calling the Health Dept back to talk to them about the money/hours/whatnot of the position, but I'm scared to death to do it. It would make it so real. I also need to figure out what I will do with Annie while I'm at work. Plus there is the fact that we still only have one car, so scheduling is an important thing to think about!!!

I'm stressed and scared and weepy and all I really want to do is cuddle my baby and tell her how much I love her.

The only thing that makes me want to take the job is that it is "the job". The position I have been looking for since I graduated college. The job that I said was the only one worth leaving Annie for. I mean I could have gone back to Workplace anytime I wanted, but it just didn't seem worth it.

Now, this job is exactly what I "*think* I want to do with my life. Plus, Eric, Annie and I would finally be a normal two income family! I can't even imagine what having extra money would be like!

So much to think about, but so little time. Cliche, but true.

Job Interviews and Pumpkins

So the past week or so of my life has revolved around job interviews!! I interviewed last Wednesday for a Health Educator position with the Nash County Health Department. The position is funded through Susan G Komen and would be such a great opportunity. I feel confident that I did my best at the interview, but I know that I don't have as much experience as many out there who are looking for jobs. I should hear back from them by the end of the week, cross your fingers. Tomorrow I have another interview, this time with the Edgecombe County Health Department. It's crazy that I've been looking for a health educator position for six months and finally two come up that are in the two closest counties. I'm a little nervous about the interview, but they only get easier the more you do. Hopefully after this one I won't have to go on any more for a while!!

We had a great Halloween. We were very busy and went to Trunk or Treat at church! I'm obssessed with making foods from fresh pumpkins and now they are on sale for $0.20 a lb, so I can't resist!! I made pumpkin cupcakes and pumpkin gnocchi today!

Motherhood...

is like the best thing ever. Never did I think that having Annie would so profoundly change me and my life. I know that everyone says that "baby changes everything". Everyone who has ever said that to me said it in a negative kind of way. Now I think that if you think that having a baby makes things change negatively, maybe you shouldn't have had a kid, but that's their own problem.

I recently read this hilarious article by McMamma, one of my all time favorite bloggers. I have to admit that I completely know where she is coming from with this, although I've only got the one kid so far, not 4 like her!!

Right after Eric and I got married, I started having this feeling that it was time for me to get pregnant and add to our family. I used to kid that my uterus was trying to overrule my brain, which obviously we see who won that round.... :)

The month before I found out I was pregnant I was tortured by pregnancy test commercials, random pregnant women at the mall, and my maternal and child health class!! Now, I'm feeling very similar feelings as friends have babies, family members announce pregnancies, and my little pookie poo gets more toddler-like and less baby-like every day.

Unfortuantly, now is not the time for us to add to our family for like a thousand reasons 1)I don't have health insurance, 2) we have no money in savings b/c I've been home with Annie for the past 14 months!, 3) Annie is still little and needs me a lot, 4) I'm in grad school and already stress like crazy!..... The reasons go on and on and on,

yet

it's hard to ignore that feeling that stirs in my soul when I see a pregnant woman or a baby

that warm fuzzy feeling that I could have that if I wanted.....

For now I will just enjoy having Annie and watching her grow...

and maybe, just maybe find a job :)

Wish List Wednesday

In an attempt to jump start my blogging, I'm going to copy a fellow mommy blogger with Wish List Wednesday.

I'm not really into any celebrities, so these are five things that I would love to have right this second!

1.  Unlimited supply of money

2. 2010 Buick Enclave (7 passenger)

3. Five bedroom house, with office, playroom, formal dining room, garage and a sun room.

4.  Part-time, well paying job as an health educator

5. Something simple because my feet are cold

I might just do another post today when Annie naps, but don't count on it :)

Annie playing with all of her birthday presents, in her tutu pajamas Granny bought for her!

September 9th

Annie's 1st Birthday!

April

It's been forever since I've posted. For some reason I just haven't had the motivation, although there have been lots of things to report! Annie now rolls all over the place. Rolling is her main mean of transportation lately. She loves to roll, roll, roll all the way from the living room to the kitchen! She also rolls to the entertainment center and plays with the drawer pulls. She is working very diligently on her crawling skills. I really think that swim class has helped her with the skills. She lays on the ground and looks like she's trying to swim! She also gets up on her hands and knees and wiggles her booty!




She has also started eating solids. We use the four day rule, so she eats a new food on Wednesdays and Saturdays! So far she has had rice cereal, sweet peas, oatmeal, bananas, green beans, apple sauce, banana apple oatmeal,avocado and her favorite sweet potatoes. I have been making her baby food, which is lots of fun and allows for me to make most of it using organic foods.



Annie just woke up from her nap, so I'm going to go get her so we can play!

For Valentine's Day

An excerpt from our wedding ceremony:

God created us male and female,

and gives us marriage

so that husband and wife may help and comfort each other,

living faithfully together in need and in plenty,

in sorrow and in joy,

in sickness and in health,

throughout all their days.

God gives us marriage

for the well being of human society,

for the ordering of family life,

and for the birth and nurture of children.

God gives us marriage as a holy mystery

in which a man and woman are joined together

and become one.

I truly believe that getting married was the best decision I have ever made. Eric is my very best friend and without my love for him I would have never had Annie.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Great Day!

Annie is 5 months old today!! I can not believe it! It seems like just yesterday that I found out that I was pregnant!!

She has sleep through the night the past two night. We have started giving her a bath, feeding her, and she goes right to sleep. Last night she went to bed at 9:30, woke up at 5:30, and is just got up at 8:00! I stayed up this morning after she went back to sleep. I went for a walk/jog for about 25 minutes before Eric went to work. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I can actually jog. It's been over a year since I really tired to run, so I figured I would hardly be able to run.

I then came home spent a little bit of time with Eric, washed some dishes, started a load of laundry, and did 15 minutes of Denise Austin's fat-blasting Yoga. 15 minutes is about as much as I can handle. Denise Austin is no joke!

Eric's uncle died late last week so our weekend didn't really start off to wonderfully. Eric went to the wake on Friday night. His uncle had been sick with Huntington's disease for 15 years, he wasn't getting any worse, but could no longer speak or walk. So everyone was partially comforted that he is no longer suffering, but it is always sad to lose your husband/father/uncle/brother. His Aunt Liz and cousins Danielle and Ashley are really sweet and I feel really bad for them. I can't imagine what they are going through. Eric also went to the funeral on Saturday. He said it was sad, but he was able to meet some family members he ha never met before.

Other than that we had a great weekend. The weather was so nice. On Saturday we went to Stone Park and Annie played on a swing and slide for the first time.
On Sunday we decided to go visiting and go on a picnic. We went to see Eric's maternal grandma and then we went to Sunset Park for a picnic. I love to picnic. Poor Eric had to take me on a picnic nearly every weekend when we lived in Greenville. I really miss the town commons there.
Annie loves to be outside, something I am very grateful for as Eric and I also love to be outside.
She was such a good baby yesterday. After the picnic we came back to the house to feed and change her. Then we went to visit Eric's mom and the rest of his family. After that we went over to my mom's house for just a little bit.

Annie is on the floor playing with her cute little feet, her favorite past time lately. I hope to take her for a walk later on the afternoon. Maybe after she takes her morning nap. I'm also planning on planting some bulbs my mom gave me.

I'm still waiting on Annie's cupcake cloth diaper cover. I really expect it to be here soon. I can't wait to have something other than the noisy plastic diaper covers I have right now. I wish I had a waterproof diaper cover as cute as the one Sissy got for Annie for Christmas!

My Birthday, Cloth Diapering and so on

I had a great 23rd birthday last week. I got mom and baby swimming and yoga classes from Eric, money from my dad, awesome candy and a (supposed) book from my sister, and a Old Navy gift card and coat rack from my mom! I've being dying for a coat rack, because I'm a big dork who wants household goods for her birthday!

Annie has been rolling over and playing actively on the floor the past week or so. It's so cool that she is practically mobile now! I have to keep an eye on her, she rolls and rolls and rolls into things, like the couch and entertainment center. She also wants to reach out and touch/grab everything! Including the food or glass that I'm drinking from.

On another front, I have started cloth diapering Annie during the daytime. I only have a "starter kit" of 6 pre-fold diapers and three pair of diaper covers. I'm planning on buying at least 6 more pre-folds and a pair of fleece diaper covers on e-bay once my paypal account gets verified! The diaper cover I want is too cute, cupcakes!!

Here is a picture of Annie in her very first cloth diaper - Granny had to help me figure how to fold and pin it!

Snow Day

It snowed a good bit yesterday here in Nashvile. We took Annie out for a few minutes while it was still snowing. She wasn't too sure about it or maybe she just wanted to know why we had her bundled up so much. Eric said she looked like the little brother from a Christmas Story when he has so much clothing on that he can't move his arms. I'm not sure why this is underlined... and I can't figure out how to fix it!
The past couple of nights have been pretty good as far as Annie's sleeping goes. But, last night
she went to sleep at 9:30, woke up at 12:30, 2:30, and 4:30. There where also a couple of times trough the night when she woke up and I have her her pacifier or rocked her a little bit to get her back to sleep. She is still crying sometmes when she feeds, so I will have to ask the doctor about that next week when I take her to make sure her ear infection is all better.

My 23rd birthday is coming up on Friday! I love my birthday, it is one of my favorite days of the year. We are going to go eat at my mom's house on Friday. We were planning on going to the beach Friday night or Saturday morning, but because of the snow Eric has to work Saturday. They are distributing laptops to all of the kids. There parents have to be there so they were orginally planning on doing it today during the day and this evening. But, the since they didn't work yesterday everything isn't organized for that to happen.

Annie has continued to roll around. Just as soon as you lay her own on the ground on her back she rolls over to her tummy. She is also sitting up if you prop her up with her hands in front of her. I figure it can't hurt to show her how to do it.

Trying to get organized

Since I left work in mid-August my days have been very unplanned. When I was still pregnant I scheduled things around my many doctor's appointments and now I just do what I can while Annie is asleep and play with or feed her when she is awake. Honestly I don't want to waste any time while she is awake cleaning or whatnot because 1) she will only be this little one time 2) I have to go back to work soon and won't be able to play with her all day long.

So, one of the blog I read had a post about making a morning schedule. I'm not quite ready to make a "morning" schedule since my late nights/mornings are not quite predictable. Like last night Annie went to sleep at 9, woke up at 11, 2, 4, 7 and is still asleep now at 11:30. It may not be the best thing for me, but when else will she be able to sleep whenever she wants?

So I'm trying to come up with a morning, afternoon, and evening to-do list for each day:

Morning:
put clothes into washer
clean toilets/bathroom sinks

Afternoon:
dry, fold, and put away clothes
vacuum

Evening:
wash dinner dishes
sweep kitchen floor

Now my next plan is to make a list of things I want to do each day. My only plan so far is that I want to take Annie to story time at the library on Mondays.

Yesterday Annie rolled from her back to stomach and then her stomach to back all in one direction. She has often rolled from back to stomach and then back into the back position she was originally in, but I do believe yesterday that could be considered rolling since she rolled probably two feet across the floor.

I spent a lot of time yesterday looking online at jobs, there are a few potential ones out there, but I'm really want to wait until July or August to go back to work. I don't want to miss out on a good job though, so I really don't know what I'm going to do....

Rough Weekend

I look forward to the weekends like most Christians look forward to the second coming of Jesus. That being said, I wish last weekend would have never happened.

I would like a do-over, please.

Apparently Annie's ear ache started to cause pain, I really don't know what else could have made my usually chill baby scream like some scantily clad woman in a slasher movie. I have never heard cries like she was making in my entire life.

So Saturday night Annie was pretty happy during the day and especially happy around 8:30 when our evenings plans were altered by some family drama on Eric's side of the family which resulted in us having a house guest for the night (Eric's 16 year old brother). When Coty and Eric got home she oooed and ahhhed and laughed and smiled for them.

Then I made the mistake of trying to get her to go to sleep. She went to sleep around 11:00 and Eric and I went to bed about 11:30. Just as soon as we had both gotten comfortable enough to go to sleep, she woke up. I took her to her room to change her diaper and this is when the crying began. The crying was pretty persistent from then to like 1:50 when she finally passed out, only to wake back up at 4 and then 7. Somewhere around 12:15 I took her for a car ride in hopes that she would pass out, as she often does, but she fell asleep only to wake back up as soon as the car was parked in the drive way.

All this was really sucky, but I can deal with sleep deprivation. Even before Annie was born I was able to run on about 5 hours of sleep.

At 7 that morning, she woke up and I nursed her sitting in bed, since I couldn't go out to the couch in the living room like I usually do (since I am a nice wife and try not to disturb my husband's sleep too much) because there was a teenager asleep on it. After she was finished I sat her down on the bed to pick up her pacifier and she feel asleep in record time. I decided that I would lay back down too. So she slep inbetween Eric and I for almost 3 hours and it was the sweetest thing ever.

I have defintely started to understand the unconditional love mothers have for their children. As frustrating and disconcerting as the crying had been just a few hours before I found myself smiling at how cute she is as she slept where I should have been sleeping.

Things weren't really much better on Sunday. She refused to nurse from 3:30 to around 9. So I dethawed my two mealsey bottles of frozen milk and let Eric feed them to her as she sat in her highchair. She seemed to cry harder when I would place her horizontaly on my lap to nurse, so we deduced that her ear may hurt in that position due to pressure and/or fluid. It was nice to be able to let Eric feed her for the first time, other than the couple of feedings during her first days of life when we supplemented with formula due to her jaundice. But, it just kills me to see her drink from a bottle. I swear I have some kind of complex. I understand that it was a bottle of breastmilk, so I was still providing her nutrition, but I like that feeding her is something that usually only I do. It is such a cool thing to know that you are providing her with the nutrients and fats and whatnot that have made her grow over 5 lbs!

Today was the last day that I got to keep Rebecca, as my sister's schedule at school is chaning. I am really going to miss having her around every Monday. It always made Sundays not feel as dreadful.

A girl I know who had a baby right around Thanksgiving aparently went back to work to, or so says Facebook. I still can't imagine leaving Annie when she was like 6 weeks old! Heck, I've only left Annie twice so far and don't plan on leaving her any time within the next month or so... I have attachement issue too aparently :)

I am really looking for to Eric getting home tonight. We didn't get to spend as much time together this weekend as I would have liked due to his (rididulous) family problems and Annie incessant crying. Unfortuantly, he has beginner teacher stuff this afternoon, so he will be home a little later than usual.

Annie is going to get pictures taken tomorrow at Portrait Innovations in Greenville. Hopefully she will be in a good mood and smile!

4:35 am

Of course I am awake and Annie is fast asleep, that is the irony of motherhood...

Yesterday was a heck of a day. Annie and I went to her doctor's appointment at 10:40. The doctor's office was moving horribly slow, so we didn't get out of there until like 11:40. Annie weighs 12 lbs 13 oz. Less than I expected and still in the 25 percentile. I'm hoping this just means that she will be naturally slim, unlike me. Turns out that in addition to the cold she has had for the past week or so Annie has a ear infection, yuck!! I feel really guilty about this, but the doctor said it was just a complication of her cold. I've got to start giving her an antibiotic this morning twice a day for the next ten days. Then came the shots, one in each leg! She was sensitive all day about her poor little thighs.

After lunch we met Angel for lunch at Chilli's and went to see her new apartment. It was great to see and talk to her, it had been too long.

Then for dinner we went over to my mom's house. Mom said that she had not had enough Annie playtime this week, so we had to go make up some time. We came home and I was in bed by 9. First night in a week that I slept in my own bed. Eric slept on the couch until 4, but couldn't take it anymore so we switched and now I'm on the couch again, but 7 hours is a plenty for me, so I'm probably up for the rest of the day.

I hope Annie is better tomorrow. I feel so bad for her. I don't want her to be sick. I feel very guilty for giving her my cold and it leading to her ear infection. It just sucks. She can't even tell me that she feels bad and I have to admit that she has been a little more fussy that usual, but nothing too extreme.

We have to go to Eric's step-father's family's after-christmas christmas get-together in Stanhope today. I'm just so excited about that... in-law obligations suck.

Driving today gave me a lot of time to think about something, somethings that make me to sad for me to even write, those things are best left in my own head and heart, may one day I'll tell Eric, but that will be the extent of disclosure that those sad things deserve. I've always had my most profound thoughts when driving, it always seems to provide me some since of clarity when I'm alone (or nearly alone since Annie is with me now) in the car just focusing on where I'm going and who is around me. Which in itself has a double meaning now that I write it out and see it.

Maybe I'll try to get a little more sleep before cupcake wakes up - she's been sleeping 9 hours! Poor thing.

Harder than expected

It is really hard to get motivated to actually do something other than play with Annie and watch tv today. I really need to clean/organize/do laundry, but I'm not really in the mood. Ha, but what stay at home mom gets to say that she isn't in the mood to perform the tasks that are expected of her. I mean if I was at work I wouldn't put things off like I do here at home, but then again that may be a perk of being at home and not at work.

Annie has continued to have a hard couple of nights, as have I. She went to sleep about 10:30 last night, woke up at 1:30 (ate), woke up at 5:00 (ate) then preceded to regurgitate all that she had eaten onto my shirt. Oh the joys of being a mother! Then she got up at 8, ate at 9, went back to sleep at 10.

We will see how long this nap lasts, I'm predicting about 1- 1.5 hours.

I really do need to get things clean around her because Annie and I are headed to Raleigh tomorrow morning around 9:30. She has her 4 month (!) well check tomorrow. Then we are hopefully going to meet an old friend of mine from high school for lunch.

I need to run to the grocery store today to pick up some laundry detergent... maybe we will do that if/when we go to the park for a walk. Hopefully the weather will cooperate.

Walking is another pitiful attempt at weight loss... our new diet has not been very successful so far this week. I am trying really hard for today to be the day that I don't screw up and eat something horrible... like the Taco Bell and Dairy Queen I had last night... Maybe today will be the day that I finally muster up some self control.

I'm really excited to see how much Annie weighs tomorrow at her doctor's appointment... She has grown so much lately. She has really added some body fat for sure! Her is a cute little picture of her... She looks really fat and kind of sleepy (since she's had a cold) laying in our bed like a big girl!

This may sound dumb....

but I just realized how lucky I am to be able to stay home with my baby. I have been home for over four and a half months ("bed rest" before Annie was born). I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I had gone back to work after 6 weeks like I considered. I feel like Annie is too little now for me to leave in someone else's care every day, how would I have felt 11 weeks ago if I had left her!

I spend so much of my day playing, nursing, and holding her! I can't imagine not being with her. I really need to be on the lookout for a job, especially considering the harsh economic times our country is currently in, but I just don't have the heart to seriously look for a job. If I look for a job that means I'm seriously thinking about leaving my baby and that breaks my heart!!!

So this is my life...

I have decided to title my blog in such a way, because of the last five years my life has gone in directions I would have never guessed and I love it! When I was in high school I had it all planned out - college at Duke, Med School at John's Hopkins, marriage after med school, kids after that. That surely isn't how things have ended up - I went to Duke, hated it, went to ECU, hated it, got married, graduated college, got a job, got pregnant, quit my job, stayed at home with my baby girl. Who would have ever figured that I would be so happy with this alternate plan that my life has followed!

Rainy Day

So I apparently took a holiday hiatus from blogging. I figure a rainy day is the best day to get back to blogging.

Christmas was awesome. Annie got way too many toys, met relatives she had never seen, threw up on her daddy, and pooped through her Christmas dress/onesie/new bloomers from Aunt Sissy.













She has really started to look around more and more which is really cute. I think she is going to be a curious one. She just started grabbing things when you put them in her line of sight. It used to be more of a flailing of her arms until she hit said object, but now she looks at at and then shoots her arms up to grab it.

Unfortunately we have all had a cold. I had the cold first during Christmas, then gave the cold to Eric who had it over New Years (at the beach), and now Annie has it. Annie being sick is the most heart wrenching thing ever. Her little nose is all stopped up and she is so sneez-y. We've been giving her saline drops and aspirating. Also she has slept in her swing the past three nights (I have being sleeping on the couch). She is still asleep in her swing right now, she went to bed about 10:30, woke up at 2 (I think) and hasn't woken up since. She has been a little restless so she will probably get up soon, which is goo because I really need to feed her!

It is a yucky day today, I don't think it is going to get any better. Annie and I will probably just stay in until this afternoon when we are going to meet granny at Sam's Club to buy some diaper wipes.

Eric had to go back to work yesterday after a a 16 day vacation. So I miss him more than usual. I really hope that I can stay home through at least July so that I can spend a whole month with my little family (hopefully mostly at the beach)!